It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
