I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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