I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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