if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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