hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
