his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
