I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
