I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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