I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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