we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
