True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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