I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
