she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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