I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
