I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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