barbara walters just said penis...
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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