yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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