the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
