best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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