I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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