dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
