Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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