So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I need to calm my uterus...
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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