its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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