Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
