Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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