I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
