reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
