It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
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He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
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You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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