Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
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I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
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I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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