what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
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We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
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making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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