Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
BRING THE BAGELS
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
