"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
