I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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