Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
