Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
