i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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