I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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