you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
