I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist