Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
I'm just looking out for you.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard