If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
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You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
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In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again