I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
