My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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