Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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