You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
