Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
