I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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