We're like a lot better than the average bears
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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