please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
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Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
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ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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