when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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