I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
