I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
i've created a new STD.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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