dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
