I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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