Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Randomize
