how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
